Longing for Bryson

It's been a very long and hard year. 365 days of longing, of wishing that what is very real was just an illusion, was just a bad dream. Hoping that there would be peace and understanding of the profound loss, but yet I still grieve.

We all grieve in different ways. Some in total silence, some with verbosity. Sometimes with kind grace, sometimes unabashed. All the time with question of the what ifs, the whys, should I have done more? Could I have done more? Would it have made a difference? Would he still be here with us even then? Was his time on earth written somewhere? Is it that way for all of us? Did we just assume that because he had proved so many professionals wrong that he would forever be with us? It certainly seemed that way.

Life was more engaging, more challenging yet delightful with Bryson in it. He was the brightest shining star in my sky. He was my only grandchild. I should have taken more pictures. I should have left my job to be with him 24/7. These are things I will constantly wonder about all may days of my life.

As for tomorrow, rather than toiling with things I can never understand nor have the answers to or spend the day crying, I plan to spend the anniversary of his death doing something good. I want to take this day and pay it forward, in remembrance of the child that changed my life, the precious little boy who changed who I am. He changed a lot of people, for the better I think. He made his mark on the hearts and minds of so many people literally across the country and even around the world. So in his memory every year, I want to do something that spreads a little bit of love, kindness and grace. Bryson would want it that way.